i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
