everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
