Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
