I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
