the condom got lost in my hair
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
