New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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