I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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