my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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