I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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