Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
