need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
