Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
