I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
