I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
