just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
where are my eyebrows?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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