I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
