I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
