so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
