if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
