dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Boobs are out for the taking
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
