I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
