you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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