I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I can text with my tongue
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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