I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
