does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
