I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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