my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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