found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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