This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
