Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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