Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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