I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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