We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
