I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
