tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
