so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
