I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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