It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
