Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
