I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
