So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
