a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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