JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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