I'm gonna have a badass scar
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
