i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
