Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
