just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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