I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
