if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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