do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
