I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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